'Success Guilt' is a real thing - but that doesn't mean its OK.

 When you find yourself stood in your cap and gown, face sore from smiling at your mum's phone camera since the moment you woke up, clinging onto that fake plastic scroll (sorry - spoiler alert - your actual degree will already be framed on your bedroom wall at this point), you cannot believe that this day has come. That your hard work has paid off. That you not only did well in your exams at school or college, that you were offered a place at university, you were able to have a roof over your head, you had access to the technology needed to complete the work, you passed assignments or exams and are somehow stood here today, in a sea of silly hats and capes, beaming with pride.

Did it ever cross your mind in those moments to feel concerned for all those who did not make it as far? Who had to drop out, who had personal responsibilities, social barriers, those who didn't even think it an option? Did your guilt for being circumstantially 'lucky' enough to find yourself with these opportunities stop you from walking across that stage and shaking hand with the old man in the even weirder hat and cape?

Of course not. This was your moment. 

So why do we stop ourselves from enjoying our luck or success in other aspects of our lives? Because, let's be honest, every single moment in our lives hinge on luck. A split decision made, contributing external factors of circumstance, from the moment you are born. We do not spend every second hiding from the positives, burying our head or dwelling on every single minute influence on our life's trajectory. 

As mentioned in my last post, my boyfriend at the time's family surprised us with a cheque for a deposit on our first home. Neither of us knew that this money existed, let alone that it would be coming our way. To this day we have not been able to say 'thank you' enough, but the gratitude has humbled us more that I can explain. No one needed to explain what a rarity an act like this is, or the impact it had on our circumstances. We were aware.

Yet in my own, messy head, things began to spiral. My family of course did not have a secret, magical bank account to match this grand gesture - few do. So I went into the property with 50/50 mortgage, legal owner of 50% of the property despite not contributing a penny cash towards it. From the outset - what a score! From inside my head, I was a fraud.

Before I go any further with this story - some may have clocked that we are no longer together and are wondering where this story is going... I am not a dick. He will have his deposit contributions back and we are splitting the profit from purchase price to sale price. Legally, of course I was entitled to half of this money but it was not, is not, and would never have been 'my' money. Integrity, guys. 

Anyway, from the moment we had the property I had this surge of guilt. Acute awareness of my lack of importance and contributions. I felt irrelevant, useless, like a tag-along who had unwittingly found myself with more luck than most people find in a lifetime. What I should have been thinking was that without me, he would not have been able to buy the property because my wage is high and I am 50% of the mortgage. I should have been thinking about the fact that my family are incredible humans who pulled together all of their skills and renovated our house with their wealth of knowledge, kindness and selflessness. I should have appreciated everything I did, from finding the house, organising the purchase from start to finish single-handedly with no experience, learning as I went, whilst working full time, and ensuring every single item we needed was purchased, coordinated and organised within the home.

But no.

My silly, twisted, self-loathing mind could focus only on how I did not feel like I deserved to be the recipient of such a gift that I could never ever thank anyone enough for. That despite me wanting more than anything to match this contribution, I never could. It meant that I over compensated for the first year of home-ownership, trying desperately to prove my worth, despite no one ever asking. Never did my boyfriend question it, in fact he was growing increasingly annoyed with my spiralling sense of guilt and unworthiness. I was doing too much, trying too hard and burning myself out in order to convince no one but myself. To this day, I don't understand why I could not (cannot?) accept a gracious piece of good fortune and make my peace. My innate inability to accept help without my own input yet again rears its nasty head.

According to the WHO, 1 in 3 people suffer with anxiety, depression or the physical symptoms of these. 

33%. 

Yet somehow, naively, I never thought I would be one of those people. I am strong, appear confident, hard working, independent, good morals, integrity, level headed, mature.... all of these are surely the recipe for someone who is in control of their own mind?

Laugh with me now.

If only it were ever that simple. Often it is those who think they would never be affected by something that are the first ones to be, as they ignore any indications or warnings and bury their head in the sand. My hand is raised right now. We genuinely try our best, tackling decisions as they come, having our goals in mind as we push ourselves to achieve them and beyond, on a warpath to success, taking ownership and ploughing through life. We have people around us and comforts to fall back on. But the thing is, once you enter your early 20s, those 'yipee' moments become fewer and further between. Not because of anything that you do differently, but simply because the pace of life slows down. This is natural. We cannot continue hitting milestones at the rate we do when we are younger, it is not sustainable and we shouldn't expect it to be, yet we do.

Think of babies. We make the most progress and development within the first year of our lives as humans. This makes sense when you think about it, by the age of 1 you can hold yourself up and move around (maybe even walk), are starting to communicate in a variety of ways, are beginning to feed yourself, learning to regulate, pick up social queues, eat solid foods, maintain eye contact, laugh, understand humour, interact with others, and so many more. Each week a baby is applauded and cheered for a new achievement.

Fast forward to school years. Finishing each year and beginning the next is a huge milestone, captured in cheesy photographs by the front door in an ill-fitting blazer and blister-inducing shoes. Each year is a set of exams that you eagerly make colourful timetables for and once completed celebrate with a family meal and a few corny cards from your nan and aunty. Every year a birthday seems to be a big deal, Sweet 16 with an MTV rip off party, 17 and a voucher for a driving lesson, 18 and a new-found respect for tequila in moderation, 19 and mourning your teens, etc. Then comes the end of school. You get a job, apprenticeship, go to college or university. Each one of these involves a series of hurdles from interviews, acceptances and first days, all of which are celebrated. Then as each year or exam is completed, cue more 'cheers' and 'here's to the next one', topped off by the grand finale year of 21st birthday, full time job (hopefully) secured and graduating from education. What a year!! 

But then what?

Then life. Life begins here. Monotony, bill paying, sensible decision making, finding your pathway, laying down your roots, forming lasting relationships, blah blah blah. Gone are the days of the persistent hard work resulting in mum baking a chocolate cake and something to post on social media every few months. Yet you don't just stop with that momentum. We have been conditioned to expect this sense of celebrated pride so regularly, that going from always having some news to tell your godmother on your annual birthday phone call to suddenly realising that months roll by unspectacularly, without anything to report back on, and nothing lined up for the foreseeable future.

It is this adjustment that is so tricky. We must normalise the mundane, for it does not make you any less successful or important, it is just how life is now. Plain and simple. We must pull together to make an effort when a friend or relative gets a promotion or a pay rise, finally saves up enough to get the decking they want in their garden, meets someone that they can see a future with or simply celebrating the fact that you are happy, healthy and together.

Similarly, on a personal level too, we need to find our peace with the fact that life is slowing down. We are still working hard and being successful and it is not that the hurdles are becoming taller, they are simply now more spread out. Those moments in life will come, but instead of finishing your GCSEs you will be engaged, instead of passing your driving test you will have a new job. As we get older, we need to apply everything we learnt when jumping over the little hurdles in order to choose which of the bigger grown-up ones we want to aim for, because these are much more important and impactful which is why we need to slow down and appreciate the down time in between.